ME, MY DAD AND MY POWER

I have my Dad on my mind a lot. He died 7 years ago. He was a powerful guy. What he wanted, he could make happen. If he wanted money, he would make it happen. He had many friends. He was good at everything he turned his hand to. He was always looking upwards financially and socially, and even in his 80s wanted to go higher. He had social skills, and made friends who were richer than he was, and was proud of that. He was not happy to die. He wanted to keep playing.

But I spent my life keeping my distance. I have a different kind of power than him, one he could not recognise. He wanted me to be like him, which I could never be. So for me, the distance was about survival. And it has taken me a long time to recognise the power he had, for as a young person it was a threat to my own. But it has been with me insistently of late.

In a way, power is power. What you use it for is another thing. For my Dad, it was to build a place in the world that was above other people. An ego thing, and that is very normal. I try not to judge that nowadays. In fact, in my mid 50s I decided to let him just be, not to want him to be any different. That was magically transformational for me. I immediately became happier, more at ease with who I was.

So there is something: if you can let other people be who they are, you will be happier with who you are. This is something that vitiates the counter-culture, of which Shamanism seems to be a part: let those rich guys be who they are, let those politicians be who they are, do not stand in envious judgement over them, don't build fantasies of oppression. When you can do that, it becomes clear they have their own aspirations too, they are not 'bad'. And they do not have the power over you that you may imagine. The 'muddling through and cock-up' theory is the best model for how the world works.

But more importantly, you can rest in who you are, without being in judgement over yourself as to who you 'should' be. And that is where your real power lies. That will change you. But not many people seem able to do that. They feel more comfortable in the 'anti' mindset. Fair enough. These things take time.

But back to me and my power. Power is not a word I feel entirely comfortable with, due to its connotations of building oneself up. Whenever I have tried to do that, I have been foiled at every turn, for over 20 years now. I cannot advertise what I do, I cannot advertise events. They just do not happen, or at least hardly. Money and 'success' has to happen in other ways. That is a good thing.

Today I have given in to the Great Spirit. I have to do that now and again. I had been trying to buy somewhere different to live, to which people could come. A valid aspiration. In theory, I could do that. But it just causes me huge stress, and I lose myself. I would be on my own in the middle of nowhere, and I don't want to do that. I am too social. Loneliness would eat me alive. So I have dropped it, yet again. Huge relief. And I am back to where I naturally feel at home: approach me for some astrology or some shamanic work or just to talk and chew things over, and I will say yes. I love saying yes. I will try and be of help, it is what my life is about.

So this is the point that prompted this piece: just keep saying yes to where your spirit feels comfortable. That doesn't mean you won't get challenged, you will. We need to be, or we're not fully alive. And your life will be in the right place. It is hard for us humans to find that place of balance. It is what characterises us. Animals and plants know how to be what they are. That is why we look to them for guidance.

Your power probably lies in that place you've probably always known. It does not preen itself. It may involve going back to something you thought you'd left behind. What I learnt from my Dad is that he had power and I have power, that is why he was my Dad. But I try to serve my power, rather than own it. That is where we are different. I am not able to do what he did. He was a very clever guy, a notable guy. He showed me what power is. But power is something I have to yield to. And then I have everything, more than he ever had. The universe flows through me.