AMBITION

I don't seem to have ambition. I have tried almost desperately in the past to have ambition, to turn my life into a measurable 'achievement', because that is what I was brought up to do. And ironically what I ended up doing - running a Buddhist organisation - didn't count as an 'achievement' in the terms under which I grew up. But that didn't stop me trying.

I have found that the attempt to turn my life into an achievement runs counter to the ability to listen to myself and to Spirit. I can have one or the other, but not both. This contradiction brought me to a crisis by the time I was 34. The Buddhist set-up I was part of saw the path in terms of achievement (they called it 'responsibility'), which suited the teacher's evangelical ends. And I was good at it, in a wilful kind of way. So I ended up being able to do nothing for several years, I was deeply out of sorts with myself.

And I started to listen more to my Spirit, to those things that genuinely 'did it' for me (Shamanism and Astrology), and as I did that, so did I gradually recover. But that conflict has remained for the last 27 years, it has been a fundamental struggle. I have wanted to turn Shamanism and Astrology into 'achievements' too, but I have always been foiled, nothing happens when I do that, the Spirits are too much with me! And I think I am at last starting to feel properly free of it.

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I offer Shamanic consultations, usually by skype, in which we can talk over anything you want to talk over. I may use the Medicine Wheel, Journeying, Astrology, Tarot or anything that works. And it centres around listening to ourselves in a deep way. I work on a donation basis, and I am happy with whatever is easy for you: I love this work. Contact: BWGoddard1@aol.co.uk

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So I don't have ambition. But I do have something strong driving me, and that is a desire to be deeply with myself and to act out of that. This motivation can have little in the way of plans, because I am following my spirit rather than a programme. And it requires trust, because you can never have that easy certainty of having it all planned out. You learn to just go with what is happening. And you have to do without the applause of the world. It is a deeply different way of being, and it takes years of exploring, it takes the rest of one's life because really it is the Great Mystery.

So this attempt to remain true to the Spirit is a strong drive, it is robust and 'visceral', it is what I live for, and it is there for those with eyes to see. My life is now about who I am, rather than what can be measured.