TRUST YOUR FAT AND YOUR INSOMNIA

We store 'persistent organic pollutants' in our fat tissue. How toxic these are is not certain, but it is low dose stuff. Nevertheless I think it is symbolically interesting that we have the notion that we store toxins in fat tissue. Because at certain points in our life, and I am thinking particularly of middle age and onwards, we put on weight. And I think we can see that on a soul level as elements of the shadow (the 'toxins') starting to want to become conscious, and we shield ourselves from that by putting on weight.

I'm not saying this is always the case, but I think it is frequent enough to pay it this sort of attention. So if you find yourself putting on weight, trust it and do not judge yourself unfavourably. You have to go against the whole trend in our culture to do this, but nevertheless I think we need to trust what is happening in our bodies. If you get ill, there is probably a way in which that needs to be trusted, there is something for us to listen to. It may still kill us, it may be our time, but nevertheless there is still a story that will present itself if we listen to ourselves and not just the medical establishment.

And here is an important point: people who are not conscious tend to be polarised, it is an indicator. So they will either love conventional medicine and dismiss alternative, holistic medicine, or vice versa. I lived with someone who was the latter, and even though conventional medicine had saved the lives of close relatives and saved her own eyesight, she had no good word to say about it.

This is no good. We need open minds, and being 'spiritual' is no guarantee of an open mind. It comes out in politics too. Can you see the virtues of the people you don't for? If you are here, right wing may well equal 'bad', and that is an unconscious way to be.

So back to fat. If you've been piling on the pounds, one level may well be the biological. But that is never the only level, these stories (and science is a story too) are not exclusive. Have a feel of the old stuff in you that has been bothering you all your life, those demons that can give you the blues at 4am when you spend a few hours awake. Again, trust those hours when you are awake. Shamanism is about trusting what is happening and trusting what is not happening too, as against our tendency to fight that which goes against our expectations or 'normality' - in this case 8 hours continuous sleep! Which is itself a modern notion.

The sleep thing and the weight thing, they can be connected. And the key thing is to LISTEN. Listen subtly and slowly, maybe over years. These are not simple things with answers. They are pointers to a whole way of being with yourself, that is about surrender to Spirit instead of goals and plans. This is the gift of the second half of life. But it does not come to us on a plate, we often need to be tormented into it by the ruthless compassion of Spirit.

So what is this strange wakefulness that possesses us? What wants to wake? What needs to be listened to? And what is this weight we have gained, what is it shielding us from? Or maybe it just is what it is.

We so easily judge ourselves, that can be the default mode, because it is what large societies need to keep everything under control, it is a collective process rather than some shady authority that does this 'to' us. So acknowledge the self-doubt and the anxiety and the unsureness and the rage and the guilt and the envy and all the rest of it and hold its hand, love it and DON'T TRY TO CHANGE IT, that is hubris, that is beyond our ken, we do not know the answers or how things 'should' be.

The psyche has a marvellous ability to heal itself and to reveal the gold underneath the demons. We do not necessarily have to understand the past. We just need to stay in relationship with what we are feeling, but not be entirely determined by it. We need courage when we are fearful, or we will never really have a life. We need self-possession when we feel rage (as opposed to anger) or we will create a wasteland around us. We need to give thanks and be honest when we feel envy or we will attack those with good fortune. And so on.

The shadow is often not ready to properly reveal itself until middle or old age, and it is a gift. It keeps our feet on the ground, it keeps us learning, it keeps us on a level with everyone else. It will always be there. If you are a therapist or a teacher, bring it into the room, tell people your demons, it is all to the good. Those people who come to you are not children. 'Boundaries' often serve the therapist not the client.

So there it is. Trust your fat and your insomnia. They may be a knock at the door :)