ON LIVING IN THE GUTTER

There's a side of me that practically goes into trauma when faced with difficulties. There's also a good chunk of me that doesn't and carries on as usual, so others don't necessarily get to know It happened this time a week ago when my car wouldn't start. And it peaked 2 days ago when the non-starting became terminal and I was grounded. I lay awake at night feeling bleak and overwhelmed. And that feeling has been coming and going, and given me much food for thought.

There is a bracing feeling to it of having something in myself to grapple with. As an ayahuasca experience suggested to me 20 years ago, it is that wounded element that keeps me grounded and keeps me learning. I'm nearly 61 and I've been dealing with this sort of stuff for decades now and it doesn't get 'better'. But I am more able to stand apart from it. I don't assume it is just childhood stuff, it feels big and old and deep. I don't need to know the origin. 

And I am also able to be with it in the journeying I do, which is embodiment based. The guides are there to take me over, they love to do that and they love to help me. I get strong images for what this stuff looks like, and we work through those images. And slowly the stuff shifts. 

And funnily enough I have an appreciation for the way in which it knocks me sideways and keeps a bit of humility there. It is such a burden having a lot of ego, and so easy to acquire if, like me, you find you have stuff to say. As Oscar Wilde said “We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.” I relish being in the gutter, because it gives me empathy and gives me a sense of belonging to this stumbling human race, all of whom are struggling in their own way and often coming out badly against the standards that we like to impose on ourselves.