I'm thinking out loud here as I ponder what it is that I'm going to be doing with this shamanic thing. I've put to one side the usual models of what people do: shamanic healing; teaching courses; writing a book. All that's good stuff, but as usual I don’t seem to fit very well with what's presented.
More than that, I've been held back for years from doing a lot with this wonderful thing called shamanism, because the real boss (which isn't me) has insisted that I sort things out, become more balanced. In the meantime the boss has thrown me a bone in the form of astrology readings, and that’s kept me ticking over. I turned 60 in February, and when I look back, my adult life has been two 18 year healing journeys that I didn't even know I was on until the end. And I'm starting to feel like I could now actually do something.
In my early 40s I was doing healing work and running sweat lodges and a weekly journeying group and it was fine, but it ground to a halt. And it would probably have gone weird if I'd carried on.
Maybe I would have written a made-up book about what a special shaman I was, and passed it off as fact! Or maybe I'd have set myself up as an Elder, a guardian of 'real' shamanism. We've all seen it when people have some abilities, and a genuine desire to be of help, but a load of mess in there as well. And I've been fortunate enough that something has insisted no.
This was always Leo Rutherford's main point when I was on his stuff in the 90s. You don't begin with your shamanic robes and your guides, but with becoming aware of the mess - the child place, the South of the Medicine Wheel. I think there’s a depth missing if you don’t do this, because the wounded bits are also gateways to the soul. You never really find your own voice.
This path is a slow one, and it's stop-start and it meanders, and it is beyond our ken to plan it. Our job is just to trust where it takes us. And not expect to have much real wisdom till we're in our 70s or 80s.
I’ve been having dreams recently. One was about running sweats again, and it was just so easy and lovely and natural. The next one, a few weeks later, suggested broadening that out to the other things I love doing. So I’m being prompted.
And it comes back to what this path is fundamentally about for me. The Chippewa Cree friend who used to stay with me said that in his tradition it’s about becoming a balanced human being. That’ll do for me. It’s nice and broad. In terms of the Medicine Wheel, I’d see that as balancing the 4 elements of Fire, Water, Earth and Air. The Imagination and Spirit promptings of Fire, the Emotional Mastery of Water, the incarnation and practical engagement of Earth, and the wisdom and generosity of Air.
What I want is a place where people can come. That has a few acres that have wildness and beauty and seclusion. And a barn. And some sort of house. I have the means to do this. Probably West Country, maybe Wales or the Borders. And it won’t be about courses or teachings in any formal kind of way. It will be a place where people have the space and slow time and beauty to encounter themselves. And yes, we’ll do the odd sweatlodge and journeying and trance dance and pipe ceremony and burials and we’ll paint boulders and create a Medicine Wheel. And I’ll have my yurt and tipi up. And we’ll hang out together and talk and get to know each other over many years. And stuff will happen. I think it’s time to do this, the thought of it makes me cry, it’s been there in me for so long.
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